Lena Dunham's lousy book proposal was leaked.
Lena Dunham's lousy book proposal was leaked and I fucking missed it by a goddamned day! Ugh!
Today, I invented a slang: masturhation. A noun--the verb masturhate being derived from said noun.
Everyone does it, but no one's brave enough to talk about it.
Oh come on, like you've never done it. You've never drawn the shades, locked the door, and slipped an extra Xanny-Bar into your boyfriend's mouth for good measure. You've never felt this burning need to just let it all go and feel good and let an explosive release of passion ride out the waves of your fingertips. Believe me, reader: you have masturhated, perhaps in public.
Masturhation is simple, pleasurable, and personal. Maybe you've been slacking off at the gym, so you go to Wal-Mart and see one of those haggard scooter-souls and think, At least I still walk upright. I unabashedly admit that masturhation is one of my favorite hobbies in the world. Life is a competition that can be easily won with lowered standards. When I clean my house, I watch Hoarders.
So, naturally, when I heard that Lena Dunham's 66-page proposal for a book she hasn't even written yet was leaked online, I grabbed the Astro-Glide and drew the shades and slipped some Xannies in Sam's mouth--only to find that Dunham's legal representatives requested the proposal be removed. I was preparing for the exact labor-inducing orgasm I need, and now I'm so frustrated I think even my daughter's balls might be blue.
No!
Okay, here's the part where I attempt justifiable jealousy toward a middle-class female creative writing major who's managed fame & fortune by Being Herself all day long:
Amongst the adjectives used to describe Dunham's proposal was frank. Frank, meaning "direct and unreserved in speech." This woman has made a career scrutinizing her own self, poking fun at her own privilege and creating a character other characters she's created describe as "spoiled." She makes a living off of being completely aware that she would otherwise be incapable of making a living if people didn't pay attention to her. To her credit, there is something admirable about that type of honesty.
However, what does it say about her "brand" when a gossip website leaks her thoughts, criticizes them, and she has to hide behind litigation to prevent any more people from reading them? What, exactly, is Ms. Dunham afraid of?
And how, exactly, is threatening to sue Gawker an example of being frank?
Moreover, the fact that I can't find a single Torrent of her proposal, or a page it's on or anything, says something somewhat appalling in this social networking B-story. Everyone was relying on Gawker--and, to a lesser extent, Buzzfeed--as the proposal source. Did anyone save a copy for themselves before it was taken down, or were we just dependent on Buzzfeed for our masturhation?
Lena Dunham needs to not take herself so seriously. You can't portray yourself as someone who writes honestly of what it's like to be a member of the twenty-something creative class, while being too embarrassed of your own book deal to not sue someone when they scrutinize it. Her reaction to the leak only serves to reiterate how she represents a generation that attempts to be provocative but shies away when it actually provokes anything, especially if "anything" happens to mean being called out.
Ms. Dunham, you are not a representative of my demographic. I would not like to be associated with spending hours self-analyzing and immediately shying away when analyzed by others. I do not want your image to come to mind when I tell people I'm a twenty-something with an interest in creative writing.
But, please, don't go away; I will continue scouring the web, seeking to masturhate to pictures of you looking down your belly-button.
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